2015 was a very challenging year for me. My beloved maternal grandmother and my mother-in- law died. Both of their deaths occurred unexpectedly and quickly. I wasn’t new to the journey of grief, having lost my father-in-law in 2013, but two BIG losses in the same year were a shock. Therapists like myself have a name for it: “complicated grief”. This is when there is more than one HUGE loss in a short span of time. Our body, mind, and spirit can’t process and digest such big emotions and losses so close together. So grief goes where it goes, inside our body and our hearts. And then it comes out in waves; often in unexpected ways or at inconvenient times.
It has been incredibly difficult to receive support and to give support to my husband, who, suddenly at 39, is much like an orphan. I find myself jumping to problem solving and sweating as I see him suffering. Many of the skills that I use daily in my professional capacity as a therapist don’t always serve me at home. It is my life’s work to ”be” with the people I love the most while they suffer. My work is to just sit with them, to witness them, and to hold a loving space for them. When I can calm down and trust that this is what they need and understand that this is what I need, small miracles happen. When I can breathe and surrender into what my heart knows is best at a time when I can’t see the way forward, I allow everyday miracles to happen.
When I can allow the process of grief to move like an ocean, as it does, ebbing and flowing, healing happens. Recently, as we were both sobbing together on the couch and moving through another unexpected wave of deep grief, we recounted how much we missed his mom, the yellow sweatshirt she always wore, the way she laughed, the way she connected with our daughters, and loved us so very much. Healing always happens when we surrender to what our hearts need. We can all open our hearts to feel a release from the pain they carry. Grief is also mystical and miraculous at times in that the release invites the joy and deep love back to our lives.